Reminiscing Sixteen

On June 3, 1992, I was named by my father. I am definitely unable to recall the first time I heard it, but I have always loved my name. One reason I like my first name is because it is a small purple flower with a sweet fragrance. I have a passion for nature, so my first name suits me well. The second reason that I like my first name relates to the fact that carries a slight sense of originality. Although my middle name is rather common, I like it because it shows that I can be just like anyone else on certain levels. My last name is Spanish, although I have no Spanish family members. No one in my family is sure why we have a Spanish name, but I find it rather amusing. I like my last name because it gives me a sense of cultural diversity. Not everyone that lives in my home has the same last name as I do.

In my home, one would find my father, his girlfriend, her nephew, and of course me. My home is a very chaotic place and there is rarely a quiet moment there. My dad works night shift so the only time I see him during the week is before school. His girlfriend, works day shift so she can be home when my little cousin gets off the bus from school. Dylan is seven years old, and still in the process of discovering his “inside voice.” Although my home is very noisy between Dylan’s voice and my music, the feeling of love is always constant when we are all home. The temperature is usually very low in my house because I love the cold and so does my dad. There are many preferences that my father and I team up about, to get our way, concerning physical matters in our home. There is usually some sort of food being cooked in the kitchen and the smells travel all through the house. My room is far different than any other place that I have ever been. My walls are a scrapbook and my ceiling is a photo album. There is writing, in multiple languages, and drawings, in multiple colors, spread all across my walls. I am so comfortable in my house that I feel unconfined to boundaries otherwise placed upon myself. I freely talk about my feelings and memories in my room and show my opinions in various manners. I know that I will not be judged in my home.

Throughout my childhood my father was an alcoholic, and I will never forget the first time I asked him to stop drinking. He began drinking heavily while I was in fourth grade and I was not able to confront him about it, due to a mixture of fear and anxiety, until I was in the seventh grade. I believe that he first started drinking due to stress from his job, pressure from his wife, and depression from everything else about his life. After battling with him over the fact that alcohol only intensified his troubles, he began listening to me. He did not actually stop drinking until I persisted that he really should, but now he does not drink at all. I know that if I would not have been able to convince him to stop drinking that my life would be far different right now. I believe he stopped drinking because I made him see that he was hurting me every time he stayed the night at a bar. I was always worried that he wasn’t going to come home, or that he would come home and lose control due to intoxication. I gained a lot of courage and reasoning from confronting my father about drinking. I think that I became a stronger person when I stood up to him and told him that what he was doing was wrong. Shortly after I asked my dad to stop drinking, my parents made a very big decision that still currently affects my life.

While I was in the eighth grade, my parents got a divorce and my biological mother moved out of the house. I chose to stay with my dad and my mother received set visiting hours. I did not particularly enjoy going to see my mother but I have matured since then. I chose to stay with my father because I saw so much more in him than I did in my mother. He was passionate, strong, determined, and independent while my mother was apathetic, weak, indifferent, and reliant. For a few months, I thought that if I would have been a better daughter that my parents would have worked everything out, but I matured enough to see the real reasons they got divorced. All through middle school and my parents’ divorce I accumulated quite a few thoughts and ideas that all fit together later that year.

On the last day of my eighth grade year, I successfully put everything in my life into perspective. One reason that I was able to start understanding life deals with the conversations that Danni, one of my best friends, and I started having about our opinions. We realized that we agreed about many things, and that we shared some of the same problems. Danni had a big influence on my personality because I was a rather shy and conservative person, but she taught me to voice my opinions. I learned a lot from Danni, and I will always love her because I know that she helped me mature. She helped me realize that everything I had endured had a positive effect on me by making me a stronger person. I could see that I was starting to change and that new expectations awaited me. I reached a point where I saw that I was at a new level of maturity. I understood that I was responsible, open-minded and optimistic. I began to think about how everything was going to change, and how some people would not be ready to make that transition. I knew that I was ready for my world to shift and my work ethic to improve. From that point in my life, until I turned sixteen, I have been growing into the person that I wish I could be for the rest of my life.

I spent my sixteenth birthday with my parents and one of my best friends, Jiffer, in Destin, Florida, during the first week of June 2008. We went to a water park and the beach. We went out to eat at Fudpucker’s and we went shopping. We had an awesome time, and I would love to relive it. The moments about my birthday that really stood out to me all took place in my thoughts. I realized that I was happy with my parents, even though my step-mom had not adopted me. I saw that one of the best friends that I could ever ask for was sitting right beside me. I discovered that I had my life plan set out in front of me. I saw that after all of my maturing and development that I was in a state of bliss that I never wanted to end. The greatest thing that I understood was that my bliss was not cause by ignorance, but acceptance. I accepted the fact that I was in control of my life and that I am able to help people. The understanding that I might be able to change the world catalyzed an abundance of thoughts and ideas. I was in such a state of bliss because everything in my life was so great, and there were not any issues that were negatively affecting me. One hard thing about life is that everything eventually changes- even well-earned, perpetual bliss. I experienced the mixed feelings of loss, guilt, depression, and hopelessness when I returned home from Florida.

On June 23, 2008, one of my best friends hung himself. His name was Eric and he was the brother-in-law of someone who I consider to be my sister. I went through a very rough time when he committed suicide because it hurt everyone that cared about him. I did the best I could to stay strong for everyone that was affected by his decision. I felt empty inside and a part of my life is now gone forever- not to be replaced. This event stands out in my memory because I feel I could have changed his mind about committing suicide if I were given the chance. There is a part of me that thinks I could have saved one of the few reasons for my existence from experiencing so much pain and suffering. In a way, I feel that if he would have known how much we cared about him that he might not have came to the end that he did. The feeling that I could have done something will forever linger in my mind. There are many things about Eric that changed the way I see life. Never will I forget the optimism that he constantly spread, or the happiness that he always seemed to carry. Eric made a big impression on my life because he taught me a lot about being open-minded. Even though we were not related, he treated me just like a sister. The last conversation we held was about his plans for the future. However, these plans will not be carried out. Eric told me many things about how he wanted to live his life, and he inspired me to set goals for myself.

I aspire to accomplish many things in my lifetime and graduating high school is just a small step. I am going to create many charities and possible hold classes with children about ways they can help the environment. I want to earn a higher education in every way that I possibly can. I have a goal of helping every person that I come into contact with. I want to make a major difference in the way people see things. I wish to get married and have a child. I feel that I can help people see how every decision that they make is important. Another of my goals is to be a great person and one day, being able to look back on my life, and not regret the things that I have done.